How humans understand their world is shaped by their environment and upbringing. The combination of how we’re raised and the society we grow up in molds us — often in ways we don’t recognize.
Today’s world is a crossroads of cultures and value systems, making it difficult enough to understand yourself — let alone your partner. This is doubly true when both partners come from vastly different backgrounds.
In Japan, about 4% of all marriages are between a Japanese national and a foreigner have steadily declined since 2012. However, from Ben Navi's Divorce Consultation page, the divorce rate for Japanese couples is roughly 35 percent, while that of international couples in Japan is a staggering 50 percent.
The disparity becomes clearer when you break it down by gender:
- Japanese wife, foreign husband: 43% divorce rate
- Japanese husband, foreign wife: 54% divorce rate
While there are as many answers to that as there are couples involved, it often boils down to issues stemming from cultural differences, imbalances between the partners and language troubles.
Cross-cultural communication problems in relationships
Cultural differences can be a good thing; they can expand the mind, offer new experiences, and even attract people to move to another country. That being said, they can also cause even the strongest of couples to break up.
- "Japanese partners shut down. Foreign partners won't shut up." — Jun, Japanese, 42
- "Eventually I'll divorce him, but for now I focus on our kids instead of arguing with my husband." — Mai, Japanese, 33
Japanese and non-Japanese people alike shared versions of this statement with me.
In very broad terms, the world can be broken down into two groups: high-context cultures and low-context cultures. High-context cultures (like Japan, China and parts of Latin America) rely on shared understanding, indirectness and group harmony. Low-context cultures (like North America and parts of Western Europe) emphasize directness, straightforward communication and individuality .
Within each culture, a person's behavioral style should also be considered. How an individual expresses themselves both verbally and non-verbally greatly impacts the listener's understanding. How emphasis is placed on a given word in a sentence can change its meaning entirely in English. The same is true for Japanese; how you state a given word, or what particles and endings your sentence has, can drastically change how it is perceived.
Setting aside the obvious difficulties of speaking different languages, not understanding how someone communicates is a major reason international relationships break down.
For example: Scott, a British man and Mariko, a Japanese woman, were married for nine years but divorced. Scott considers himself quick-witted and sarcastic in "the British way." Mariko says she "prefers to observe instead of commenting." She divorced him. Her reason? "I was sick of being made fun of. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him."
Scott, meanwhile stated: "She took everything so damn seriously. I couldn't say anything without it being analyzed."
Some might say that Scott was just kidding and Mariko didn't have a sense of humor. Others might say Mariko was demeaned by Scott's constant criticisms. Both interpretations are accurate to an extent, and that is where cultural communication breakdowns happen.
Relationship role expectations in international marriages
Every culture has its own traditional roles for men and women. These have changed over time, but there are many ways in which people are socialized to have certain traits or to act in specific ways. As people age, they also learn through pop culture and their peers that there are roles a partner is expected to fill in a relationship.
In cross-cultural relationships, problems can arise when those expectations don't align. This is true of all relationships of course, but often becomes a major issue in international relationships.
For example, there is a great deal of talk online about men looking for "subservient Asian women" to marry. These men want "traditional housewives" — but the type of traditional they end up with isn't necessarily what they might expect.
- "My ex-wife's Japanese; she took care of the house pretty well, but she refused to sleep in the same bed as me after we'd had our kid. She said that's not what married Japanese couples do." — Grant, American, 37
As an aside, those who have been divorced over seemingly trivial points should consider reading this HuffPost piece, “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink,” by Matthew Fray. It's an excellent article on how one's behavior contributes to divorce.
It's not easy to change your expectations — or to live up to someone else’s — without understanding them in great detail first. That said, there is another imbalance that cross-cultural relationships face.
Language barriers and resentment in international marriages
If the couple lives in Japan, the Japanese partner can often become the de facto translator and go-between for their spouse. The duty to read, understand, and explain what's going on falls to the Japanese native speaker. This can, over time, lead to resentment from the Japanese partner — especially if they are treated as "less than" in other ways.
- "My husband was American. He lived in Japan for 40 years [before he passed away] and he couldn't speak Japanese at all. I did everything, but he still acted as if he were the man of the house. He treated me like I was 'just a housewife' right up until I divorced him and took half his pension." — Keiko, Japanese, 78
Can international couples make it work
Aside from divorce? Effort.
While cultural differences and imbalances play a part in the divide, you can't blame either for your relationship problems.
Communication issues can only really be solved by learning to communicate in effective ways. Sometimes that requires outside intervention by a counselor or therapist.
It isn't comfortable, it isn't easy, and it might even lead to more confrontation at first, but if you want a relationship or marriage to work, then you and your partner need to put in the effort. Make the time to talk about what's been going on, what your goals are, what you want from each other or for yourselves as a couple, and see how those align.
Keep asking — and keep listening — until you both understand where you’re headed together.
© Japan Today
50 Comments
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Yrral
They work in America,maybe not in Japan, when a culture is unemotional
KazukoHarmony
Advice: If communication is a struggle, don’t marry. Find a partner with whom communication is easy.
Vanillasludge
Starting out with like mindedness on topics like money, sex and children doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s crucial to keep the relationship alive.
Knowing what kind of relationship your partners parents had/have is also important. Those parental role models can set expectations for the future.
kurisupisu
Recently, sold a couple of wooden puzzle games on a well known site here in Japan.
Had them for our child over 15 years ago.
Today is the day to consign them to the buyer.
The wife asked me how to play the games.
I’m afraid that I was the one shutting down…
YeahRight
Expat has me beat by one year. 34 years of marriage, 3 grown children, 2 of them married, 1 grandson (16 months), and another on the way.
It wasn't always easy, but it has certainly been worth it.
gaijintraveller
I think there are probably more often communication problems with the spouse's family than the spouse.
David Brent
I know several foreign men married to Japanese women, and they’re like little kids. Can’t speak Japanese. Can’t speak with their own kids. Can’t even write their own address in Japanese. Absolutely weird.
Chabbawanga
I know a lot of people like this, and unsurprisingly they are the ones in the worst situations (aint gettin any). Career plays a part too. Never seems as bug an issue when the guy earns a lot more.
Concerned Citizen
Never come to a conclusion based on what one partner says about the other. It's always far more complicated than that.
Concerned Citizen
It takes a lot to have a successful marriage, but it is so worth it.
GuruMick
Something about a culture where people dont hug relatives when they meet.
kohakuebisu
Yet if you speak to your kid in Japanese (their first language) as a foreigner, people will look at you weird and claim you are being selfish and denying the child their divine right to speak perfect English, something observers seem to think can be achieved simply by having one foreign parent.
This author claims to be a relationship know-it-all but completely misses one of the biggest if not the biggest issue in international marriages, which is culture-based differences in opinion relating to childrearing. You only learn about being a parent by becoming one. You cannot preemptively discuss every potential flashpoint before having kids (or before getting married) because as a nonparent of children and someone who didn't experience your partner's childhood and how it differed to yours, you have essentially no idea of what these flashpoints are going to be. The way to survive is the same as other difficulties, to be accepting/forgiving and have good communication.
If you don't have kids, marriage is just an issue of compatibility and commitment, which you can get a fairly decent understanding of before getting married. People change and may present false impressions of themselves, some people are just liars, but the changes are unlikely to be as big as those that happen when you have kids.
proxy
One could marry the person who grew up across the road from them and have communication problems based of differing household culture; is the mid-day meal lunch or dinner?
Japanese folks do not care a whit about indirectness and group harmony with people in their inner circles.
They tend to speak very politely and indirectly to people they are not close to or to complete strangers but speak very directly and frankly to close friends and family wheras westerners will speak very frankly to strangers but politely at home.
Westerner at home: "Honey, sorry, could you please bring me a coffee? Thank you."
Japanese at home" Hey, coffee."
John-San
Never had a crossed word from my Japanese partner. But I seen her ripped into local for taken advantage of the dumb foreigner. She took up with some Japanese fella for six months. Her Parents hated him and are very happy when we got back together. I am older than her father by 2 years and we all get on very well. Age difference of 30 years. And we been partners since 2011 with break of 6 months back in 2015. I have nothing to do with her finances and she with mine. What is hers is hers what is mine is mine. I have arranged for her to be financially secured in retirement. All good everybody is happy. If you don’t know how to compromise don’t get hooked up.
Garthgoyle
If you say "I'll do this because this is what (insert own nationality) couples do" you're just a selfish person and are simply looking for an excuse.
proxy
Focus on the positive; 50% are successful and their kids always seem much better adjusted to being adults than many others.
proxy
Millennials think it is "toxic" for their boss to ask them to do something and to have general expectations that work will get done without having to pat them on the head.
Blacklabel
yet “shocked” and “angry”when she finds her husband has multiple side chicks.
Chabbawanga
Only angry when it gets shoved in their faces. For the most part rusu ga ii.
Chabbawanga
The issue is the parent not learning to speak Japanese, and also not bothering to teach their kid English. double whammy.
wallace
The international parent should speak to their children in their native language. The Japanese parent with Japanese. The kids will pick it up quickly.
Negative Nancy
Wise men say: 'Only fools rush in'.
Things have been significantly easier since I made efforts to not only learn the language, but also to be immersed an integrated in Japanese life. That doesn't mean drinking green tea and dressing up in kimono. It means being able to deal with paperwork by myself. It means making genuine Japanese friends. It means owning and driving my own car and home. It means playing a part in our child's upbringing, including school issues. It means holding down a reliable, stable job with good pay and the ability to provide for our family without worry. I've worked damn hard at it. We all have. I'm not relying on anyone and thus I'm treated not as a visitor but as a regular member of society. We as a family speak both languages to a high level. That means I can be part of my wife's family and friendships and she can be part of mine.
So many foreign men here are a novelty act. Their Japanese partner finds them exciting at first because they are from a different culture with all of its freedoms. They're young and in good physical condition. But when they've been here literally years and they have not advanced at all in Japanese, they're still in the same working conditions (or worse!) as when they arrived, they become fat, bald alocoholics, they can't drive, they can't interact with anyone properly, they still need help with everything... its no longer an attractive situation to be in. Equally, the Japanese partner must do their part as well- they too should be making efforts to understand Western cultures, to be able to communicate with their partner's friends and family, providing etc.
masterblaster
Something else to consider: Many Japanese woman while dating a foreign man are docile and somewhat subservient. But once married, many Japanese women want to control everything and become overbearing and domineering.
I have three male foreign friends each married to a Japanese woman. All have told me this is the case.
One friend, the one who speaks zero Japanese and can't write his address is the happiest. The other two friends are miserable. They both speak very good Japanese (can read and write too).
It seems the most successful couples are the ones that think, well my husband is American. I will let him be American. My wife is Japanese. I will let her be Japanese.
The couples trying to change their spouse have the most problems. Force adaptation is never good.
CaptDingleheimer
If you marry Japanese woman, the age of your youngest child is the same number of years since the last time you had sex. Makes it easy to keep track of.
But keep telling us about how it’s always the foreigners’s fault when the marriage doesn’t work.
Harry_Gatto
Just where does "constant criticisms" come from? I didn't see that mentioned.
A Japanese wife with a sense of humour is a rare find.
GillislowTier
I always see couples that married without really knowing each other. Japanese lady found her beautiful blue eyed European, white guy found his asian girl that let him hit it without being able to order at mcdonalds. If it works fine, but it rarely does.
I agree with the article though. Understanding is key both for communication and expectations going both ways.
Negative Nancy
I think there is an element of truth in this. However, you mention your friend without the Japanese language is the happiest, but I'd be curious to hear his wife's thoughts on being his carer. I think a lot of wives go off their husband after a time because they become frustrated with the status quo.
Haha, yeah, there's truth to that too, but I don't think that's necessarily related to being with a foreigner, other than that there is sometimes age disparity in international couples. A lot of Japanese men complain about the same thing! It takes two to tango though, and there's more to a relationship than coitus.
GuruMick
My wife treats our pet dog more kindly than me....but , its one hell of a dog !
browny1
Very interesting fact from the article is the 35% divorce rate for Japanese couples - actually slightly higher,.
This appears to be alarmingly high when we can rule out causes afflicting International marriages like inability to communicate in Japanese/English, cultural differences relating to child raising, living customs, work habits, social habits, differences in humour / life view etc etc.
With supposedly none of those factors it means Japanese to Japanese divorce reasons must focus on other problems.
Or they are similar just the difference is slightly exaggerated by the cultural background.
Our close friend - 71 year old woman - has zilch meaningful communication with her husband and have zilch almost in common. They have their own lives - but she cooks and cleans.
They stay married - she said - because of all the trouble of divorcing later with house, property. money, pension etc, the social stigma on both sides and their children and 9 grand-children.
Just all too hard so just go along with it all.
I wonder what the real % is of domestic married partners who want to divorce but don't due to above reasons and others.
And just an anecdotal observation - some of the unhappy international marriages I've seen here have been when the relationship began primarily on looks.
The pretty young girl and the handsome(ish) young man whose eyes light up on first meeting. Not always but often doomed for failure when looks is the main bond.
Yrral
Not being able to handle the truth,is the reason lots of Japanese marriage failed,their is nothing a Japanese man can offer a Japanese woman than a foreigner cannot
wallace
30-plus years. First in the UK and then here. We are together nearly 24/7. Still loving each other. We make "play" daily and never allow the boredom to take old.
Yrral
Being married to American ,you estate is allowed an 28 million dollar exemption of taxes,if you married to foreign wife,she is taxed the full amount, meaning American that die, foreign wife owe taxes on the estate
masterblaster
@Negative Nancy
Well, I don't know what their home life is like when no one else is there. So who knows about her true feelings.
But with that said, her personality is very forgiving and flexible. She doesn't panic in stressful situations. For example, the three of us and their three kids went sightseeing together. We were driving off road. We ran out of gas. She wasn't angry at him. She didn't berate him. She didn't speak ill. She was laughing. She kept saying this is unbelievable. This may be a little scary now, but this will be a fun memory in the future. Their children are always so happy and loving. I think they have a great relationship. She doesn't try to change him. She doesn't try to control him. He the same.
Ken
True but since it takes extra time and effort to understand one another it means you don't have to wait a specific time limit until discussing those topics like you would have when dating someone of the same nationality.
As long as the two of you make an effort to understand each other and learn each others culture and language it will make the relation stronger and last longer. The dudes who have no intention of trying to understand the language or the culture are the main ones getting a divorce
KazukoHarmony
Seems like a lot of the older men claiming to have healthy long-term relationships spend an awful amount of time each day posting comments online.
Maybe that’s the secret sauce that Hilary, the writer of this article, missed.
carpslidy
My wife and I have been married for 19 years, I think of her as my wife not my "Japanese wife " and she sees me as her husband not her "foreign husband"
Any marriage has its ups and downs but it makes it far easier if you see each other as a pair as opposed to opposites coexisting
KazukoHarmony
Wise words.
wallace
Throughout our marriage, I have encouraged my wife to speak her mind and be herself. She was quiet when we first met. Now she has the strength and encourage to be herself.
MilesTeg
26 years with its ups & downs. Culture? I guess. Wife is Japanese in some ways and not Japanese in other ways. My focus was and still is learning who 'she' is and not what her culture is.
Jonathan Prin
Wishing everyone not to divorce and read the many wise comments before mine.
I divorced my Japanese then wife after 19 years of marriage because she wanted it and out of love for her because she would never had done all the needed papers by herself.
She could not express her feelings and clearly wishes now to live alone. I am very happy for her being more happy.
No issue with the 3 children, which is what any parent should look for as highest priority and I thank my wife for that.
Like your partner the way he/she is, and it has nothing to about marriage by the way.
kohakuebisu
If their wives hear everything they say as moaning, its far better for them to make comments here than across the dinner table!!
Interesting to hear that nonJP man - JP woman has a lower divorce rate than JP man - JP woman. So non-JP man (like me!) must be doing okay. This is in spite of non-JP man with kids potentially seeing his wife transform into something he has never seen up close, which is JP mother ruling the family roost. This can be a very stark transformation. It is completely different to JP girlfriend.
If my wife had been full-on okaasan and gone home for three months after giving birth to get indoctrinated in mothering by my MiL, with pearls of wisdom like "the baby can't spend any time outside for a month or it will catch cold" and "baby seats in cars are uncomfortable and cruel", I think we would have got divorced. There would have been no space for me in family life. I didn't marry my mother in law and her values.
Chico3
Congratulations to you. For me, this year will be 19 years. From my experiences being married to my great friend (Japanese born and raised), there were a number of things we did before creating our bond.
Get to know each other for a while (almost 2 years in our case).
Be open with each other about each other's culture, habits, language, personalities, families/friends, etc.
Meet each other's family and friends.
Travel together.
After a while, plan futures together while discussing cultural differences (We took a marriage prep course before marriage, since I'm a practicing Catholic.).And finally after tying the knot, be open about each other's cultural traditions and habits. Throughout this process, DO NOT hide traditions and habits from each other. This is one of many reasons why international marriages fall apart. When in doubt about certain things, ask each other.
We've had our UP's and DOWN's, but the important thing is the foundation and bond between the both of you. There were some traditions about my wife's culture that I didn't agree with and vice versa. However, most of the time we were able to come to our common ground. If we were in stalemate, we learned to accept and try. Good luck to everyone who is new and learning (like ourselves) and congratulations for everyone else for your committment.
tamanegi
I only ever hear the expression "international marriage" in Japan. The vast majority of these so called marriages are between Japanese men and Chinese, Korean and Filipino women. I'd like to hear more about their partnerships.
Roger Gusain
Interesting topic:
Negative Nancy wrote: They become fat, bald alcoholics, they can't drive, they can't interact with anyone properly, they still need help with everything... it's no longer an attractive situation to be in
I think Nancy has hit the nail on the head here. They do have Google Translate though. The problem of long-term gaijin alcoholics deserves a separate thread!
Roger Gusain
Never underestimate the importance of money in Japanese marriages. Many Japanese women think getting hitched is a meal ticket for life and they will never have to work again.
blackpassenger
When I met my wife in April 2003, she was 23. The first thing I made her do was, get a passport. Then I kicked her out of japan and made her attend community college in California before graduate law school at USC. (Yes, she’s a Trojan and im a bruin). Because I didn’t want some pusillanimous, submissive Japanese woman. I’m a confident man, I like strong women. We r still married and can’t divorce now, b/c we have a child.
many of these dudes get taken in by the kawaii factor, only for it to turn around and bite them in the rump and abscond with their kids.
kaimycahl
@blackpassenger So you are saying you took advantage of a child. You basically said this MANipulating what what you wanted and not what your wife wanted. You wrote "understand that japan is a low EQ society. So the person u r marrying maybe chronologically 35, but emotionally only 5 years old. Just keep that in mind."I kicked her out of japan and made her attend community college in California before graduate law school at USC". I didn’t want some pusillanimous, submissive Japanese woman. I’m a confident man, I like strong women. Last but not least you boasted that you sent her to USC and you are a Bruin OK..... You boast further to say "We r still married and can’t divorce now, b/c we have a child". Do you really think just because you have a child she won't divorce you? Ok she is a lawyer as you boast, be careful of what you MANipulated. Then you have the gonads to point fingers at some guys who go by the so called kawaii factor as you call it and get end up on the losing end. One, you said you didn't want a submissive women but now you have a educated one, I am not saying I wish you bad luck but everyone who posted said when they met their significant other it was great as time passed things changed, but YOU think you solved the international holy marriage. Think again bruin your life can also end in ruins. Good luck
When I met my wife in April 2003, she was 23. The first thing I made her do was, get a passport. Then I kicked her out of japan and made her attend community college in California before graduate law school at USC. (Yes, she’s a Trojan and im a bruin). Because I didn’t want some pusillanimous, submissive Japanese woman. I’m a confident man, I like strong women. We r still married and can’t divorce now, b/c we have a child.
many of these dudes get taken in by the kawaii factor, only for it to turn around and bite them in the rump and abscond with their kids.
Ken
Doesn't mean she isn't cheating on you with some other foreigner, it is shallow to believe that Japanese women are incapable of cheating, women of all nationalities are capable of cheating especially if you treat them like that